Margaret Jones

Ah, the county fair, that quintessentially American cultural bazaar. Where else, other than at the fair, can a person consume such delicacies as deep-fried artichokes, Indian fry bread, California coolers and egg rolls on a stick?

But, as almost any red-blooded American knows, the fair is more than funny fair food.

It means contests of finesse, where a fella’ can pit his skills with a water pistol against a gallery of gap-mouthed clown faces. It means bump cars and Ferris wheels for the very young or the cautious, and for the more daring, roller coasters and human centrifuges.

It’s a place where prideful home economists complete in the pie-baking arena, where cowpokes compete in the rodeo arena, and where people of all persuasions exhibit a proclivity for wearing ridiculous headgear and uncomfortable footwear.

This year’s Ventura County Fair offers enough pageantry to enthuse even the cynic. Never mind that the fair is 112 years old, or that in 1915 the most popular Ventura County Fair exhibition, next to the rodeo, was chariot racing. Or even that the trash pickup exceeds 275 tones of debris, or that during the full 12-day run, more than six and a quarter miles of hot dogs are devoured. Forget all the statistics.

A recent stroll through the fairgrounds told the real story. Among the scenes:

On sale in the commercial exhibit areas were such necessities as wall clocks made out of frying pans and 100 percent rubber high heels. A persuasive salesman there demonstrated the making of mayonnaise with a miracle food mixer that “chops, blends, beats, purees, pulverizes, mixes, crunches, whisks and dry grinds.” The rapt audience gathered around to listen like it had never heard this spiel on a late night TV commercial break. “But,” said one woman who bought the pitch, “how can you go wrong for only $12.99?”

The salesman at the Encyclopedia Britannica booth, responding to a question about his sales volume, replied with a question of his own: “Does Macy’s tell Gimbels?” A few doors down at the World Book Encyclopedia booth, the salesman was more forthcoming: “A few,” he said wearily.

Outside, there was much more activity at the Rambo Shooting Gallery, which was festooned with such slogans as “Keep America Free,” and “Right to Bear Arms.” Asked what the most popular prize was for marksmanship, the young man in charge pointed to a framed poster of machine gun-toting Sylvester Stallone, but added, “We’re all out of them.” The second most popular award was, what else? A Harley-Davidson poster.

A Mexican artist who specialized in black velvet paintings said that his most popular subject at this year’s fair is cars, mostly the classic, low-rider variety. These are usually depicting perched precariously on the edge of a cliff overlooking a sunset. “The pride of Latino guys,” he said. The cost? A mere $39.95.

In the livestock area, a man with electric shears demonstrated how a sheep is shorn of its main commodity. The sheep looked placidly out at the group of decidedly urban-looking spectators, some of whom sported shoulder-length metallic wigs in fluorescent colors. The animal seemed to say, “What’s the big deal?”

By the end of an afternoon, fair-goers lined up at vibrating “Footsie Wootsie” chairs that claimed, for a quarter, to provide nirvana. And they really worked, too.

This weekend the Ventura County Fair will wind down with a series of all-star events beginning at 8 tonight when Johnny Cash and John Schneider appear in concert.

Saturday will be highlighted by a good old-fashioned tractor pull—show times at 1 p.m. and 7 p.m. At 1 p.m. Sunday, a gaggle of 4x4s will convene in the grandstand area for a display of American tug of war.

A final tip: wear comfortable shoes.